Jila's testimony

I was born into a Muslim family. I remember well that when I was little, my grandmother, who lived with us and was a religious person, would pray for hours every day, and I would stand behind her and watch her. When I went to school, the teachers encouraged us to pray and perform religious duties so that God would be pleased with us. I was taught that only by observing religious rules could I know God and get closer to Him. Since I was little, I was very eager to please God, so I tried to observe all religious rules carefully so that God would love me. During my school days, I had read in religious studies that Jesus was a prophet who healed and raised the dead. Since then, I have always imagined Jesus Christ as a kind and gentle person. A few years later, I enrolled in the Iranian Language Center to learn English. There were several Christian students in the class, and I was deeply impressed by their personalities and loving behavior. I really wanted to go to them and tell them that I wanted to become a Christian too. Along with this interest, the love and affection I had for Jesus Christ in elementary school was rekindled in me, and this love and affection flared up every time I saw those few Christians in the language class. However, I continued to observe religious rules and especially began to study the Quran and Nahj al-Balagha. In addition, I was afraid that if I became a Christian one day, my family and those around me would find out and ostracize me. I continued to actively participate in religious activities at school and even insisted on performing all the obligatory prayers. At the same time, I was constantly tormented by my conscience as to why I could not be a perfect person, and I felt that I was still far from pleasing God.During these days, I became interested in Imam Ali and wanted to get to know his personality better by reading Nahj al-Balagha and learn from him. But when I came to the parts in Nahj al-Balagha that talked about bloodshed and killing, I could not accept such actions because they were not compatible with my conscience. Gradually, I turned away from religion and came to the conclusion that religion was merely a means to deceive and exploit simple people. I read books related to communist and materialist thoughts with a special passion, but no matter what I did, I could not deny the existence of God. God had a lost command for me that I had not yet reached after years of searching, but in the depths of my being I was constantly looking for him and loved him with all my heart. I had long since abandoned religious observances and duties, and I felt no remorse for it. Gradually, I decided to do research on other religions, in addition to studying communist works, and I was especially curious to know what Christianity had to say. Especially since, as I said earlier, I had had a good idea of ​​Christ and Christians since I was a child. I remember once telling my brother that I wanted to become a Christian, and he said that if I did, I would be considered an apostate and the penalty would be death.When I was in my second year of high school, one day, a friend and I decided to visit an evangelical Protestant church. I told the person at the entrance that I wanted to research Christianity, though the truth was I was deeply in love with Christ. To me, He was the same calm and compassionate figure I had envisioned in my childhood. Unfortunately, the church did not welcome us and said we needed permission from the Ministry of Guidance to attend their meetings. My friend and I, feeling frightened and disheartened, left the church.